In a blink of an eye, it’s been twenty-five years. I wish I can say that I planned this all with a carefully planned out business model but that would be untrue. There was no business plan. During these twenty-five years whenever someone would ask me how I got here, my answer was always the same. I don’t have a clue; I guess God put me here. That’s not me being glib, just sincere.
In the fall of 1999, I went to work as the marketing director for a local drug and alcohol treatment center and that was intentional. I was looking for a job in my field of addiction that would allow me to meet people from the wider helping community, and it was in that capacity that I got to meet Dr. Hilarie Cash. That chance meeting would change my life forever.
Dr. Cash was the presenter at a Seattle area EAP monthly luncheon (Employee Assistance Program). She was at the time also the president of the Seattle Counselors Association, had been in private practice for twenty years and yet I had never heard of her. I went to that event for the opportunity to network with EAP’s from all the major companies in Seattle. I thought it might be a significant opportunity for referrals for my treatment center. I was just doing my job.
I walked in not knowing anyone of the hundred plus people that were in attendance. Like I said, Gods plan. The short story is Dr. Cash’s topic that day was titled “Internet Obsession.” She said in her opening statement that she was open to questions anytime and I found that unique and refreshing. Most PhD’s might take a question or two after but never allow for unbridled interruptions.
In 1999, the internet was relatively new and except for the late Dr. Kimberly Young’s New York Times best selling book “Caught In The Net” there was no awareness campaign concerning the downside of the internet, so I found her topic interesting and a little intriguing. It’s a topic I hadn’t personally given much thought to.
What was so riveting and drew me in was listening to her share stories of her clients, mostly Microsoft employees who had problematic behavior around gaming experiences. The in-vogue computer game at that time was a game called EverQuest referred to by their own users as “EverCrack” because of its addictive nature. Dr. Cash described it as OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) issue and I raised my hand to ask a question. I asked her why she didn’t see it as an addiction? And she, with no apparent ego answered with tremendous candor that she didn’t know much about addiction and we started a conversation right there in front of 100 people in the middle of her presentation.
That started a twenty-five-year relationship and the creation of I/CAS (Internet/Computer Addiction Services) in December 1999, that led to No More Secrets (NMS) as it is today by 2002, my life’s work.
NMS has had over thirty different men’s groups assisting over three hundred plus men including a hundred and fifty couples. Dr. Cash originally ran the women’s side of NMS. Ours was a free-flowing open process focused on healthy families.
In addition to the group and individual work we also created a social calendar that included five potluck movie nights for men only. Our first movie night was in October of 2002. During COVID we continued the tradition using zoom. We have never missed a month. The movies were always about a recovery theme. No Fast and Furious.
That same year we had a family and friends outing at a Seattle Mariners baseball game. We historically have between forty and eighty people attend. The game is always in July.
The summer finale is a six-hour August afternoon BBQ picnic in a public park including access to our own softball field. Little kids, dogs, parents, grandparents’, siblings and of course partners. Pre-COVID we had over one hundred attendees. This year the numbers were improving back to seventy plus. As we gather for the annual group photo I remind everyone that for all the passersby’s “we are just a normal family.”
The culmination of our NMS social year is our annual holiday party and except for the post COVID years the event was always a dress up, catered meal and live house band event that drew over a hundred people. This event was for men and partners. Definitely adults only.
Post COVID and post my retirement the event was held in a private room at a bowling alley and in a fun venue called WhirlyBall. Very loose and much needed after a lengthy period of isolation. Always aware that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but rather connection.
That takes us to last week. The new leadership of NMS decided it was time to return to an OG style holiday party. Dress up, catered, open mic and a wonderful house band. Adulting can be a lot of fun.
The best part for me was I didn’t have to plan it or MC it or do anything. All I had to do was show up! The true glory of retirement. I always find it refreshing to see our people all dressed up in a social setting together. As a group we dress out really well.!
A year and a half before I retired, I got some of the NMS gatekeepers together to talk about my still far away plans. What I shared then that is still true for me today. I believed that there was enough talent and passion in NMS for recovery to keep this thing going past my departure. I also said that I didn’t need that to happen for my own legacy. Between COVID and my cancer I really hadn’t given it much thought, but this night looking out at old friends and fresh faces I took a breath to realize that this, at least for this day and time is still carrying the message of hope and recovery, and in that moment I got up to the open mic.
The story I told was just a story, but the meaning was as it always has been, WE GO TOGETHER. OR WE DON’T GO AT ALL.
Our twenty plus years of community is still alive and well. A special shout out to the counselor who now runs NMS Fred Ingham, from Congruence Health, and long-time group leaders Jason M and Glenn H. Proving once again that it does take a village. We have some new men stepping up now for the upcoming year to give back what was given to them. The motto is simply: each one, teach one.
Dr Cash went on to fulfill a lifetime dream of starting the first treatment center in America for computer addiction called reStart (800-682-0670) now located in Duvall WA.
As the wise man Willie Nelson once said about life: “stages and phases, circles and cycles”. And the beat goes on.
Don’t leave before the miracle! And remember misery is OPTIONAL.
NO MORE SECRETS 