In a controversial 1976 interview with Playboy magazine, then presidential candidate Jimmy Carter discussed his faith and moral views, including stating he had “committed adultery in my heart many times”. The interview, intended to broaden his appeal, resulted in media focus on his comments about lust, causing political damage to his campaign.
No one in his right mind would consider President Carter a sex addict or even a sex and love addict because of his confessions in that article and yet I met a young man seven years ago, who had never acted out with another human being in real life, never even held hands or even kissed a young woman or anyone for that matter and yet he did present in active addiction qualifying him for No More Secrets and a chance to get better through recovery. Let me explain.
He was in the last year at university, finishing a Pre-Med degree. His secret shadow side was internally, destroying him while externally he was a straight A student. He had enough insight to know that he needed help.
With little or no resources, he went to a counseling service offered for students at a very reduced rate where he was lucky enough to get in to see an aspiring counselor to listen to him, be empathetic, and to assess that he needed more assistance than she could provide. She did some research and referred him to a local Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous 12-Step meeting. After much consideration and hesitation, he finally found the room.
Most addicts regardless of which fellowship it is, walk in and immediately focus on the perceived differences between them and everyone else in the group instead on focusing on the similarities. That’s human nature, but for this young man the differences where real.
This young man was a Muslim American and Middle Eastern ethnically. He was the only person of his heritage and religion in the room, not only that day, but ever. That challenge made his success in that fellowship even more amazing. He was not the first Muslim man to ever walk in that room, but as it turned out, he was the first and only to date, the first Muslim man to stay. He truly was granted the gift of desperation.
Just like President Carter, he lusted only in his heart, and never in the flesh. The primary delivery system for his antisocial behavior was the Internet, the greatest delivery system for antisocial behavior in the history of humankind.
He had enough clarity of mind to understand that upon graduation with that degree, he would be deemed by his culture now ready to pick a bride, be married and settle into a traditional Muslim life. He also understood that if he didn’t find a way to stop this addictive pattern of behavior it would eventually destroy whatever goodness came his way, and whatever standing in his greater community that he had besides destroying the life of a woman he came to love. His conclusion was that he had no choice but to address this burden in his life, that he was powerless on his own and that he couldn’t pray it away. It was at that point that he came into my life.
The good thing was that I had a prescription for how to make this malaise go away.
Firstly, I saw him on a continuously regular basis individually and we did what I call family of origin heavy lifting.
Secondly, I had him go back to that meeting on a weekly basis and add additional meetings for additional support. I even suggested that he go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings, even though his lips had never touched alcohol in his life.
Thirdly, he needed to get a sponsor and start doing step work. This is traditional strategy on how to combat an addiction, any addiction.
My fourth recommendation was that he start attending a men’s group that was already formed, newly created, and had space for one new person. Getting well in the company of men is prerequisite.
My next recommendation was that he move out of his family home and into a house with recovering men. That’s always hard for someone but even harder for someone from his culture, where historically adult children stay in their family house until the day, they get married.
With the help of a sponsor and me, he created bottom lines and eventually put some distance between him and his past addictive behavior. It was at this juncture that I recommended that he go to The Meadows for Survivors I Week (Healing Childhood Relational Trauma) That experience proved to be a very powerful for him.
He came to embrace recovery and the fellowship and No More Secrets in a very wholehearted way. He finished four years of an intense men’s group coming every week, he came to five movie nights a year, came to our picnics and our holiday parties and even went to his first Seattle Mariners baseball game. He got to interact with people who he would never have in the past interacted with and this expanded his worldviews as we expanded our world views because of him.
What a gift he has been in my life as I watched him get well as he turned into this beautiful, healthy man that he is today. It’s an experience I treasure with all my heart.
Dateline Dearborn, Michigan, October 2025.
A declining job market in Seattle Washington in the tech business led my young recovering brother to expand his search for employment after completing a secondary degree. His search took him to the automotive capital of America, Detroit. It’s not been quite two years since he left us. His family is still here so we knew we’d see him again and we’ve stayed in close contact. While settling into his new employment and his new life, God has put a beautiful woman in his life and earlier this month they got married.
The true arc of this miracle is that 12 members of our No More Secrets community got on a plane and went 2000 miles to support our recovery brother and witness this beautiful day. It was a traditional large Muslim wedding, and we were welcomed. He honored me by asking me to say a few words when it was time to toast.
In the group of thirteen, there was one orthodox Jew, one secular Jewish man and one secular Jewish woman. There were two gay men who were not partners. One agnostic, three evangelical Christians and four believers of a universal higher power. A very eclectic group of people, especially attending a Muslim wedding. We were all blessed.
When I first started to work with him seven years ago, I said to him what I’ve said to many young men before. Misery is optional and don’t leave before the miracle and if you don’t, you’ll get well and if you get well, I promise I’ll dance at your wedding.
He got well and I danced at his wedding. We both kept our part of the bargain. I believed this with all my heart, and I hope I get another opportunity to be of some service to some man who is sick and suffering today who will get well and find a life partner . This is my prayer.
Inshallah GOD WILLING
NO MORE SECRETS 